You’re Not Crazy:
The Subtle Signs of Narcissistic Abuse During Divorce
If you're in the middle of a high-conflict divorce and constantly questioning your reality, your reactions, or even your sanity — I want you to hear this first:
You are not crazy.
You're being manipulated.
Narcissistic abuse isn’t always loud. It doesn’t always leave bruises or scream insults. Often, it's subtle, strategic, and perfectly designed to make you doubt yourself. That’s what makes it so damaging — and so hard to explain to others, especially in courtrooms and custody disputes. At the start of my separation, fear took control of me. It ran through me like lava. It never hardened or cooled, it just seared me from within until I could barely cope. My marriage wasn’t filled with physical abuse… yes there were instances where he did become physical with me in the past, and I was too afraid to tell anyone… but the abuse I experienced was mostly narcissistic in nature: verbal, financial, coercive control, manipulation, and threats. In my own battle for a restraining order I did everything I could to show the court what I had experienced in my relationship. It wasn’t enough. When they denied the restraining order… I felt like I wasn’t enough. I started gaslighting myself… but then I really analyzed my past experiences just by simply writing each one down in detail. It wasn’t until I read back my own writing that I started to gain clarity. If you’re reading this article right now I highly encourage you to take the time today to get yourself a journal and start writing down those past traumas. Reread the event back several time. Try to start seeing it from the perspective of a 3rd person. It’s important for women who are experiencing narcissistic abuse to hear the experiences of other women, because often times we will doubt our own reality simply because someone has been brainwashing us for years.
Let’s name a few of the less obvious signs of narcissistic abuse during divorce — so you can begin to reclaim your clarity, your voice, and your peace. I’ll also be sharing some very personal stories about how I overcame this type of abuse and lived to tell the tale and thrive as an independent woman and mother.
1. They Act Perfect in Public — and Make You Look Irrational
Narcissists know how to perform. They can be charming, calm, and even “concerned” in court or mediation — while privately gaslighting, threatening, or ignoring boundaries.
You may find yourself reacting emotionally in these moments, and they’ll use your reaction to make you seem unstable. This is a tactic — not proof that you’re the problem.
2. They will Gaslight you into submission. They will Rewrite the Past — and Blame You for Everything
Suddenly the years of emotional neglect and control get rewritten into a narrative where they were the victim. They’ll say you were unstable, dramatic, or “always made things difficult.” They will use words like crazy, irrational, and ridiculous. They will try any way to attack your mental health in any way, shape, or form. This is called gaslighting.
This rewriting isn't just for their benefit — it's meant to confuse you, too. Don’t let yourself fall victim to this manipulation!
3. They Weaponize the Kids
This can look like:
Ignoring established routines, then blaming you for “not co-parenting”
Refusing to communicate, then claiming you're alienating the children
Using the kids to relay messages or emotionally pressure you
This is not co-parenting — it's control through chaos.
4. They Flood You with Legal Threats
One minute, they’re threatening to take full custody. The next, they’re sending you a long email about “doing what’s best for the kids.”
This pattern — known as hoovering — keeps you off balance. It’s designed to wear you down and make you second-guess your boundaries.
5. They Will Design a Cycle of Alienation That Will Haunt You
A common and devastating tactic of narcissistic abuse is isolation — cutting you off from the very people who could support you, validate you, or help you see clearly.
This might look like:
Spreading lies to your friends or family to turn them against you
Accusing your loved ones of “interfering” in the divorce
Making you feel ashamed or like a burden for needing support
Using guilt or manipulation when you set boundaries or seek help
Blaming your support system for “influencing” you when you stand up for yourself
This isn’t just mean behavior — it’s strategic. If they can alienate you from your community, it becomes easier to control the narrative, wear down your confidence, and make you more emotionally dependent on them (or isolated in your struggle).
I mentioned a cycle. They may not just try to isolate you from your support system… They may also accuse you of alienation.
If you’ve ever been told you’re “turning the kids against them” — just for protecting your child’s boundaries, reporting abuse, or maintaining consistency — that’s a red flag.
Many narcissistic or high-conflict exes will weaponize the term “alienation” to discredit your concerns and make you the problem. They may:
Ignore therapy recommendations
Dismiss your child’s sensory, emotional, or special needs
Refuse to show up, then claim you are keeping the kids from them
Use legal threats instead of actual parenting
What’s really happening here isn’t alienation — it’s projection, manipulation, and refusal to take accountability.
6. You Start to Feel Like You’re the One to Blame
You may think:
“Maybe I am too emotional.”
“Maybe I didn’t try hard enough.”
“Maybe I’m being dramatic…”
This is the final goal of narcissistic abuse: to make you silence yourself.
